


Forever Yours to Heal

by Misaki_0415



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Haikyuu-freeform, I would have tagged depression and angst if it weren't for Yams, I'm sorry there's angst here BUT I SWEAR THERE'S FLUFF AS WELL, Kissing, Living Together, M/M, MPD, Mental Disorder, Mental Health Issues, Multiple Personalities, There's fluff (I swear, Yams is a total baeby, Yams the 'I-make-Tsukki's-depression-go-away' cinnamon roll, mention of suicide, tsukkiyama-Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:07:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26209954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misaki_0415/pseuds/Misaki_0415
Summary: "Kei Tsukishima. You are diagnosed with MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder)"Tsukishima was.....abnormal. He was a monster. Yet Yamaguchi was always with him, and strangely, all of the personalities Tsukishima had all had a common information carved in their minds."I love Yamaguchi."(So if I had to sum up the whole thing it's Tsukishima with issues and Yamaguchi being there for him) (AND THERE'S A HAPPY ENDING OKAY I CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO WRITE A SAD ENDING I WOULD END MY LIFE IF I DID THAT) (I'm not really the type to be able to write a 100% sad fanfic without crying my eyes out or screaming in agony at 5am reflecting life choices qwq) (Update: there's a surprise in the end! I hope you like it uwu)
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 28
Kudos: 101





	1. Broken

**Author's Note:**

> (So I'm going to state it here before confusion breaks out)  
> (So you know how thoughts of a character are usually typed in italic? (For me at least) But since Tsukishima has split personalities I'm going to use different styles (?) to express the thoughts of different personalities (side note this chapter explains Tsukishima's condition) (now I'm going to use some terms you might not understand but don't worry chapter 1 explains it all)  
> Thoughts of ANP: italic  
> Thoughts of Antagonistic EP: Bold + italic  
> Thoughts of Depressed EP: Bold)  
> I hope whoever is reading this will enjoy it ;u; It will mean so much to me if you stayed with me until the end of this story ;u; (I don't usually write depressing stuff but this was an exception qwq..........just sayin')  
> And again, thank you for clicking in, accidental or not, I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT iwi (grovels) (There's fluff I promise qwq)

\----------------------------------------------

**_Liar. Lies. Everything was surreal and lacked colour. It was dull and disgusting. I want to wrench their cheery grins off their face—_ **

****

**** “Tsukki!” 

Yamaguchi cried out Tsukishima’s pet name. Tsukishima, as if he had just woken up, jumped in surprise and looked around, startled. Yamaguchi sighs. The vivid sunlight was pouring into the room, and there were fluffy clouds that looked like marshmallows, floating nonchalantly outside the windows. Cheerful chattering reverberated in the classroom, and it looked like any other normal school day, peaceful and joyous. However, there was nothing joyous about Tsukishima, who stood there in front of Yamaguchi, with a hint of terror in his eyes as he fiddled with his fingers. 

_..._

_“....Kei Tsukishima, I would like you to tell me the most tragic thing that had traumatized you.”_

_“I...” Tsukishima hesitated. Yamaguchi gave him a small squeeze of encouragement as Tsukishima took a breath and continued. “When I was a child......I thought my brother was the ace of the volleyball team. I even told the people around me, with pride, ‘Look! My brother is the ace of the volleyball team!’ But then one day, I realized it has all been a lie.......He was cheering for his team with all the other people who didn’t make it to the team.....”_

_Yamaguchi watched as Tsukishima started to twitch while he recalled his childhood trauma, as Tsukishima’s face started to twist with anger and agony._

_“Lies......Lies! He lied to me...he was my family.....but he lied to me!”_

**** _Tsukishima yelled in rage. The doctor slightly cowered in fear as Tsukishima stood up. His eyes vibrated a venomous red, which was nothing like his usual golden-brown eyes._

_“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi cried out, reaching out to grab his arm. Tsukki looked at Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi’s eyes pleaded for him to calm down—to return to normal. They froze in that position, simply staring at each other, for approximately 1.2 seconds before his eyes returned to its usual colour. Tsukishima tore his gaze away from Yamaguchi and turned his gaze on the doctor, then proceeded to apologize for his behaviour. The doctor held his hand up, meaning that it was fine, and gestured to him to sit back down._

_“....Moving on to the next question......”_

_..._

_“.....Tsukishima Kei.”_

_Tsukishima gulped nervously, with Yamaguchi holding his hand the entire time, trying to calm his nerves._

_“You’re diagnosed with MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder).”_

_Boom. Although it was the answer he had been expecting, he didn’t want to accept it. He simply wanted to run away from it, away from it all._

_“I think I should also inform you and your—” the doctor looked at Yamaguchi._

_“Boyfriend.” Tsukishima whispered in a quiet voice._

_“—boyfriend, about your known ANP (Apparently Normal Parts) and known EPs (Emotional Parts).” The doctor said, and seeing that they both had a questioning look on their faces, he explained further. “ANP, which stands for Apparently Normal Parts, are the rational, present-oriented, and grounded parts of the individual that handle the aspects of daily life. It also tends to lean on the personality you had before your trauma. EP, which stands for Emotional Parts, are the parts of the personality that represent the dissociation or that contain the traumatic materials. As for your case, you have one ANP and two EPs. Your two EPs are—we’ll call them Antagonistic EP and Depressed EP. Your Antagonistic EP was caused by your childhood trauma—in defense to protect yourself from mental harm and trust issues. Your Depressed EP was caused by the great grief and shock your brother left you in when he lied to you and you became aware of the lie. In your Antagonistic EP, your eyes will turn a shade of malicious red, and you tend to be more aggressive in both communication and behaviour. You also tend to judge, question and mistrust people.”_

_“The interesting thing is that—you should know sometimes EPs go by a different name, and even a different age or a different identity. However, your Antagonistic EP only showed a memory change concerning his name, and it was surprisingly close to your own name: Tsukki.”_

_“But that’s impossible! Every time his eyes turned red I’d call him Tsukki and he’d calm down!” Yamaguchi yelled in protest._

_“That’s another interesting thing I would like to point out. Your Antagonistic EP is likely to only get triggered to take control of your consciousness when someone else, other than Yamaguchi, calls you ‘Tsukki’. And whenever Yamaguchi called you Tsukki, your ANP seems to regain control of your consciousness. Of course, this is hard to deduce with such little data and considered a little bit abnormal, since there were no scientific reasons to explain it, but it’s safe to ensure that it’s at least 91.5% accurate, from what I've observed.”_

_“As for your other EP—Depressed EP, it seems that it doesn’t go by a certain name, so I’m assuming it goes by your original name. Your eyes will turn a shade of viridescent green when your Depressed EP gained access to control your body. Sadly, it seems that no matter what Yamaguchi called you, it was impossible to revert you back for your ANP to regain control. The only factor that can bring your ANP back to its senses was time. You have no other option but to wait for your ANP to arise and regain consciousness.”_

_Tsukishima listened attentively. He still had a lot of questions, but he didn’t want to press in further to know how much more of a monster he is._

_“....Yamaguchi, if I could, I would like to talk to you in private.” The doctor smiled at him warmly. Tsukishima nods, and bows before making his way out the door to wait in another room._

_“MPD is a serious mental illness and could lead to suicide and self harm. However, it looked like Tsukishima’s case wasn’t serious enough to get him into serious trouble—something that’ll get him in jail or the A &E (Accident or Emergency) department. Nonetheless, I would like you to keep a close eye on him. I’m particularly worried about his Depressed EP, as we have only seen him in mental breakdowns, but we’ll never know when the suicidal intent will creep in. There’s no known treatment for this, and it’s honestly quite a shock that you were able to revert his Antagonistic EP to his ANP.” _

_“But I can’t do anything to revert his Depressed EP to his ANP....” Yamaguchi said, almost in tears._

_“Supposedly it should be impossible for anything or anyone to be able to control one’s switch of personalities. But judging from the fact how he switched from Antagonistic EP to ANP because of you, his care and love for you was probably so great it affected his other personalities too, or in other words, infiltrated the memories of his personalities; so in the minds of all his personalities, there’s only one information they have in common: you’re an important person to him, and I’m sure if his Antagonistic EP can be reverted back to his ANP because of you, I’m sure his Depressed EP can also be controlled to prevent injuries as long as you stay by his side.”_

_Yamaguchi listened carefully, afraid to miss out on one single word. He had known Tsukishima long before his trauma, and he knew that Tsukishima was helpless and frustrated about his condition. He nodded and promised the doctor he’ll keep a close eye on him whenever he can. After that, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi went home_ _hand in hand, and as they walked on the street, Yamaguchi glanced at Tsukishima, who had a cheerful smile and looked at Yamaguchi lovingly when he noticed his gaze. Yamaguchi squeezed his hand and smiled back. He made a promise to himself. One that he'll never break no matter what...._

_It’s okay, Tsukki. I’ll never leave you._

...

“Yams.....what do I do....? I’m a monster.....there’s no cure for me.....” Tsukishima whispered shakily.

“Hey! No depression! I’m standing right here, aren’t I?” Yamaguchi puffed his cheeks out. Tsukishima looked at him and blinked a few times before bursting into laughter. Yamaguchi smiled. 

“Come closer, Yams.” Tsukishima whispered, with a gentle and soft smile on his face.

Yamaguchi went over and in a blink of an eye he was pulled into a tight embrace.

“T-Tsukki! We’re in the classroom!!!!” Yamaguchi blushed.

“It’s break. Nobody is here.”

Yamaguchi looked around. Sure enough, the chattering was gone, and he and Tsukishima were the only ones left in the classroom. He looked at the clock. There was still fifteen minutes before the cafeteria opened the doors, but he was used to everyone scrambling out the doors twenty minutes to get in line early by the cafeteria doors. Yamaguchi turned his gaze back on Tsukishima and flashed an adorable smile at him.

“Darn it, Yams. Stop being so adorable...” Tsukishima had a gentle smile on his lips, and his eye reflected affection for Yamaguchi. He brushed Yamaguchi’s bangs away, revealing his pine green, forest eyes, which glinted in the sunlight. He grazed his cheeks with his fingertips, tracing his freckles, sending a deep blush across Yamaguchi’s face. He leaned in, with Yamaguchi still wrapped in his arms, and kissed him softly on the lips.

It reminded Yamaguchi the softness of a marshmallow, and the serenity of the mountaintops, where he and Tsukishima had went there a few times to gaze at the stars while they slept in each other’s arms, and Tsukishima would whisper sweet little nothings and promises in Yamaguchi’s ear, sometimes teasing him, and softly stroked his hair as Yamaguchi drifted off under the starry sky, accompanied with fireflies that’d flown by now and then which made the surroundings luminesce. 

Yamaguchi wrapped his arms around Tsukishima as Tsukishima nibbled gently on his upper lip. After pulling apart, he touched his forehead with Yamaguchi’s as he smiled. It was a smile that belonged to a person free of worries and stress, and Yamaguchi was the only one who can put him in such tranquility. 

_I love you, Tadashi. You’re irreplaceable, lovable, everything that I hold dear to my heart, and....._

_I’m forever yours to heal._

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	2. Overdosed trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A day of Tsukishima's Antagonistic EP causing a bit too much trouble (and Yams being a total angel and cinnamon roll)

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Tsukishima sat by the window and looked outside nonchalantly. The teacher was rambling on about something he had already self learnt two months ago, and he didn’t bother to hide his apathy. He looked at the empty seat next to him. 

_ Darn it, Yams. How long are you going to take at the restroom? I miss you..... _

__ The bell rang, signalling the end of the lesson. “Alright, thirty minute break, students! Behave!” The teacher said sternly before leaving the classroom. As soon as the teacher had set foot outside the classroom, the room erupted in laughter and chattering. Tsukishima groaned slightly before reaching in his bag for his headphones —

”Tsukki!” 

Had it been Yamaguchi, he would have been overjoyed. But no. It was one of his classmates, Aoi.

_ Crap. No. No. Please, no— _

__ “Hahhh?” Tsukki snarled at the poor boy, who had stopped in his tracks, trembling in fear. Aoi had seen Yamaguchi calling Tsukishima ‘Tsukki’ so often he had forgotten the warning Yamaguchi gave the class at the start of the school year. ‘There is one thing you have to know:  _ never call Tsukishima ‘Tsukki’.  _ He gets angry when I’m not the one calling him that.’ Yamaguchi’s warning rang in his ears as he looked at Tsukishima in confusion. Tsukishima never seemed to be the aggressive type, so why? Aoi was so frightened by his sudden change of attitude he almost forgot why he went to Tsukishima in the first place.

What the poor boy didn’t know was that it wasn’t ‘Tsukishima’ standing in front of him; it was his Antagonistic EP, ‘Tsukki’.

“What do you want, creep?” Tsukki snapped at him, causing the boy to jump in surprise.

“I-I only wanted to.....”

“Wanted to what? Ohh, I get it? You want attention? You want someone’s hand all over you? Ewww. Disgusting much, creep?” Tsukki interrupted him rudely with a piercing glare.

“....return your notebook.....”

“Hahhh??! When did I ever lend it to you? That’s theft, you know?”

Aoi shudders in fear as he whimpered an apology, placing Tsukishima’s notebook and ran away with tears in his eyes, bumping into Yamaguchi, who had just gotten back from the restroom.

“I-I’m sorry, Yamaguchi, I forgot that I wasn’t supposed to call him ‘Tsukki’.” The tearful boy bowed and apologized to Yamaguchi before rushing out of the classroom.

“What—Tsukki!!!!” Yamaguchi, who was in confusion a few seconds ago, understood what Aoi was talking about immediately, and rushed over to Tsukki’s side. Tsukki turned his head towards the sound of his voice, and Yamaguchi watched as he sat down weakly, holding his head in his hands and closed his eyes, as the menacing red dissolved and slowly regained its normal, warm golden colour. 

“Yams....I—” Tsukishima bit his lips as tears fell from his face. “What have I done this time?” 

Yamaguchi rubbed his back to comfort him. The worst thing about his condition was that Tsukishima was unable to recall what ‘Tsukki’ had done. His memories of his EPs behaviours were blank. And he felt terrible about it. He knew whenever he had a memory gap it meant that his EPs had taken over his consciousness, and he desperately wanted to apologize for whatever he had done, but he couldn’t remember it. The frustration of acknowledging he did something wrong but being unable to apologize because he had _absolutely no memory_ of it swallowed him in agony, and how he hated himself for that.

“It’s okay. Aoi accidentally triggered ‘Tsukki’ to wake up, and ‘Tsukki’ didn’t have the memory of lending his notebook to him. Let’s go find him and apologize to him, okay?” Yamaguchi said soothingly, and Tsukishima gave a little nod.

They rushed out of the classroom, searching corridor to corridor and found Aoi huddled in the middle of a dark corridor alone, sobbing. Yamaguchi gulped. That corridor was known for its creepiness and the rumours of a suicidal girl, Naomi, hiding there at break, scribbling curses in her notebook. However, he had to do it for Tsukishima. He calmed his nerves as he walked behind Tsukishima, still slightly terrified. 

“Aoi.....” Tsukishima called out to him, only to be answered by a yelp of surprise and fear. But Aoi soon calmed down when he saw Yamaguchi standing beside Tsukishima.

“I’m really, really sorry, Aoi. I didn’t know what came over me. I was in a bad mood and I took it out on you. I’m really sorry. That was really childish of me to do so.” Tsukishima lied. Only his parents and Yamaguchi knew about his condition, so he had to think up an excuse for his behavior. He bowed, his head almost touching his knees, as he apologized to a  _ very _ confused Aoi.

“I-It’s okay, Tsukishima! We all get that kind of stuff, uhh, mood swings sometimes!!! Uhm...Please, stop bowing, it’s really nothing.....” Aoi frantically said, and only left after Tsukishima stood upright again. 

“I guess we better head back to the classroom—”

“Wait! Tsukki senpai!” A hand reached out to them and a girl’s voice rang out. Yamaguchi’s heart sank. But that wasn't the end of it. As he turned to look at the girl, he sucked in a sharp breath, almost forgetting how to breathe. In terror. He had seen her, not in person, but somewhere else. In the yearbook, and remembered her name. 

_ Naomi.  _

He had a sense of fear gushing into his heart as he watched as the girl with a horrible, ghastly aura, held out a heart shaped note while stuttering over her words. “I-I like...you....Will-will you go out with me.....?”

_ No. Anyone but Naomi. Anyone but her.  _

_ Naomi was known for being suicidal. It wasn't just rumours; she had a failed attempt of suicide, and the whole school knew about it. Everyone either avoided her or tried to get away from her, some out of fear and disgust, and some not wanting to cause any unnecessary harm had they spoke and rubbed her the wrong way. _

_ Everyone knew except for Tsukki. Only Tsukishima had the memory of Naomi. Tsukki...didn't.  _

__ Yamaguchi looked up and met Tsukki’s gaze. It vibrated a shade of haunting, bloody red, one that resembled a hell of a nightmare. Yamaguchi desperately tried to get the word ‘Tsukki’ out of his mouth, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t. Even he was terrified when Tsukki was angry or annoyed, which he rarely was, since he was so carefree.

“Hahhhh? Why would I go out with you? Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror?” Tsukki smirked and spat in disgust. He looked at Yamaguchi, who looked slightly terrified.

**_Mmmhmmm. How dare this lowly human confess to me when I already have my adorable Yams? Let me spice things up a bit~_ **

**** “Besides, my Yams is way cuter than you—” Tsukki growled before grabbing Yamaguchi roughly by the shoulders and kisses him aggressively.

“Mmhmph!” Startled, Yamaguchi lets out a muffled cry of shock as Tsukki sent electric shocks up his spine, causing him to shudder in pleasure. Yamaguchi watched as Naomi’s eyes widened and clamped her hand over her mouth as tears started to spill from her glassy eyes. 

“Well? Haven’t you seen enough already? Or do you have this weird kink of watching two people kissing?” Tsukki snapped at her and reached for the hem of Yamaguchi’s shirt, slipping his hand inside.

“N-No! I’ve seen enough!!” The girl cried out.

“Then scram!!!!” Tsukki yelled at her. Naomi runs away crying, her note fluttering to the ground only to be stepped on by Tsukki.

“Tsukki! You shouldn’t have done that! She was known for being suicidal; she could kill herself!!!”

“Do I look like I give a—” Tsukki growled but soon fell to his knees, shaking and trembling. Yamaguchi sighed. He knew deep down Tsukishima suffered the most. Tsukishima looked at Yamaguchi with eyes that asked him 'What have I done again this time??', and it wavered so much it looked like he was going to break anytime—and Yamaguchi’s heart throbbed with pain. He hates seeing Tsukishima in pain. He hated it more than anything else. So, he decided to lie a little bit.

_ Please forgive me, Tsukki.  _

__ “It wasn’t anything serious. Don’t worry about it, you only offended a few schoolmates slightly. I’ll help you apologize to them; I’m on friendlier terms with them. Go back to the classroom and put on your headphones, okay? I’ll be back soon.” Yamaguchi kissed him softly on the forehead before rushing off. Tsukishima nodded, although Yamaguchi was already too far away to notice. 

That’s right. His headphones. Whenever Yamaguchi wasn’t by his side, he’d have his headphones on to block out the surrounding sounds, but it was hard to always have his headphones on while on school campus. He was only allowed to use them at break. He hurried to his classroom and put on his headphones as he drowned in a soothing melody, ignorant of the damage he had just done to Naomi.

...

“Naomi!!!!!” 

Naomi turned and gaped at Yamaguchi, who had just ran up the stairs to the rooftop. She had her hands on the railings, looking like she was about to jump anytime.

“Wait!!!! Please!! Hear me out!!!!” Yamaguchi got to his knees and grovelled. Naomi was confused—and extremely shocked. Although she was suicidal, she still had a soft spot in her heart, and the sight of a boy who did _absolutely_ nothing wrong didn't really agree with her. She rushed over to Yamaguchi’s side as she tried ro help him up.

“Please! Get up!” Naomi struggled as she tried to pry Yamaguchi off the ground. 

“No! I won’t get up until you hear me out and stay at least 5 metres away from the railings!!!!” Yamaguchi cried out. Naomi was flustered now—Yamaguchi had his eyes shut and a sincere look on his face, Naomi couldn’t possibly turn him down. 

“Okay, I’ll hear you out. Now, get up, please!”

Yamaguchi got up and bowed slightly. 

“I’m so sorry, Naomi!! Tsukki’s in a bad mood today, so he’s a little bit on edge. He just really hates it when someone confesses to him, especially when I’m beside him. Please don’t take his actions too seriously and don’t let it get to you, he really meant no harm!! Please, you are a kind-hearted girl, and you deserve a lot more; please don’t just throw your life away like this!” Yamaguchi tried so hard not to stammer as he kept facing the ground with clenched fists.

Naomi looked at Yamaguchi in utter shock. He looked rather basic and scrawny, but he seemed to emit a different aura. It was something she couldn’t quite describe—it was almost as if he was glowing, glittering with pureness. 

_ An angel descended from Heaven to this dark and twisted world? The butterfly that flew out the Pandora’s box? He’s such a.....CINNAMON ROLL!!! HOW?????  _

__ Naomi let out a soft giggle. No one was ever this nice to her, she thought, but Yamaguchi was really something else. Maybe the world wasn’t as dark as she thought it'd be. In the darkness, there was always a ray of light, no matter how dim, and today she had seen it with her own eyes. “How can I possibly throw my life away when you put it that way?” 

Yamaguchi looked up, and watched as Naomi brushed away the bangs hiding her face as she said with a soft smile.

“Thank you, Yamaguchi. You made me feel a lot better. Don’t worry, I won’t do anything like this again. You’ve made me realize that this world still had people as kind as you—someone who cared, even when it was none of your business, nor your fault. Please help me tell Tsukki—Tsukishima senpai I won’t bother him anymore. I’ll find someone who loves me as much as he loves you.” Naomi smiled sweetly. It was hard to believe that this was the same girl as the girl who was trying to end her life minutes ago. Yamaguchi nodded, and with a graceful bow, Naomi left, seemingly in a good mood.

_ Sorry, Naomi. I can’t tell him....I can’t tell him how he almost crushed and tore someone’s life apart without even knowing..... _

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (If you're questioning yourself whether you should continue to read this fic please make your decision at least after you have read chapter 3 qwqqqqqq)


	3. Sacred bliss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a blissful day with Tsukishima's ANP, with absolutely zero negativity UwU  
> How he wished he could chase away the demons eating his mind away....

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“Yams......” 

Yamaguchi stirred slightly, sensing someone shaking his shoulders gently. 

_ Chuu~ _

__ Yamaguchi’s eyes flung wide open. Tsukishima was staring at him with a soft smile and tender eyes. He blinked a few times, his eyes trying to focus his vision. He looked around the room, and his gaze fell upon the toy dinosaurs on a shelf above a desk —Tsukishima’s desk. He gazed out the window and scanned the horizon, taking in the vivid light extending across the amber sky. He looked at the clock. It was 6 in the morning. He blinked again, ensuring his eyes weren’t playing tricks on him. But no, it was definitely 6 in the morning.

“Tsukki.....Why are you up so early?” Yamaguchi yawned as he muttered in a husky voice sleepily, which was nothing like his usual cheery tone. 

“..........” Tsukishima kept silent and shuffled in the sheets. Yamaguchi looked at him questioningly. After a few seconds, a slight shade of pale pink spread across his cheeks.

“.......berry shortcake.”

“What?” Yamaguchi only made out the word ‘shortcake’, and leaned in closer as Tsukishima spoke louder this time.

“....strawberry shortcake.”

“Huh?” Yamaguchi blinked again. Strawberry shortcake? 

“...I want to make strawberry shortcakes with you.” Tsukishima raised his voice, obviously flustered now.

“......Why though......?” 

“I don’t know. I dreamt of it.”

Yamaguchi laughed and looked at him in slight disbelief. He absolutely adored this side of Tsukishima: adorable, simple, pure —like a child. He giggled as Tsukishima puffed his cheeks out, and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek.

“Sure, we’ll bake strawberry shortcakes together.”

...

Yamaguchi looked at the recipe Tsukishima had found online. ‘Homemade sweet biscuits in 4 steps’? Looks like Tsukishima is planning to bake a strawberry shortcake from scratch, if he’s planning to bake the biscuits as well. Yamaguchi watched as Tsukishima chopped up the strawberries slowly, careful not to cut himself. He had a concentrated look on his face which he never showed in classes. Yamaguchi giggled softly as he rolled up his sleeves and followed the steps for making sweet biscuits.

“...and....done!” Yamaguchi smiled satisfyingly at the perfectly shaped dough as he placed it in the oven and set a 15 minute timer. Tsukishima had already finished chopping up the strawberries, as well as mixing it with a little bit of sugar. He watched as Tsukishima handled the whisk, beating the cream back and forth with swift movements, as soft peaks began to form. His slender build looked fragile to him, yet his arms moved quickly with force. Tsukishima noticed his gaze, and flashed him a refreshing smile. 

Soon, a sweet aroma filled the kitchen. Tsukishima watched as Yamaguchi set the tray of freshly baked biscuits on the kitchen counter eagerly, his eyes glinting with excitement. They sliced the biscuits in half horizontally, layering them with strawberries and whipped cream and watched as the strawberry shortcake assembled perfectly, as if it was made in one of those fancy cafes.

...

“Well?” Yamaguchi looked at Tsukishima with affectionate eyes, as Tsukishima dug in readily. 

“Perfect.” Tsukishima smiled in content and bliss. Yamaguchi broke into a soft smile and took a bite. The cold, whipped cream melted together with the bits of strawberries as a soft, mellow sensation exploded in his mouth. The biscuits weren’t too hard nor too soft—it was just right, and everything just came together in perfect harmony. 

“Yams, don’t move. You have some whipped cream on your lips.”

“Oh, it’s fine. I can just—” Yamaguchi reached up to wipe the cream, but a soft sensation reached his lips faster.

Tsukishima had already leaned in, and stealing Yamaguchi’s chance to wipe it himself, he licked the whipped cream and kissed Yamaguchi softly. The room dissolved around them, and he thought of the soft, tender autumn breeze cupping his cheeks as his mind went blank. He ran his fingers through Tsukishima’s hair, pulling him in closer. The warm, aureate sunlight flooded into the room. Tsukishima slightly shifted his position to shelter Yamaguchi from the heat. It was a matter of time before he felt the scorching heat clawing on his back, but his mind was on something else.

_ Tadashi. _

__ To him, Yamaguchi was everything. His slightly tousled army green hair, slightly crooked ahoge, adorable freckles.......and his pure smile. He was far more beautiful than any angel spotted in fantasy books, or any royal blood in fairytales—anything. Nothing seemed more pure and perfect than Yamaguchi. His heart was too kind and vulnerable, and despite hostile as it sounded, he would gladly thrash whoever dared send unkind comments his way. He remembered the bullies back then when they were still children. If he had known their whereabouts now, he would definitely have given them a piece of his mind for bullying his precious angel. 

Their lips parted, and Yamaguchi stared straight into his eyes. Tsukishima’s eyes were flecked with gold, glinting behind the glassy lenses, dancing mischievously in the well lit surroundings. The end curls of his flaxen hair bounced softly in the afternoon air as a brisk, minty scented breeze invited themselves in through the half-opened balcony door. He could stare at his sharp and bewitching features for hours and never get tired of it. 

“Well, it’s not healthy to just sit around for the rest of the day, right?” Tsukishima smiled breezily. “Do you want to continue on with the book we were reading last night?”

Yamaguchi nodded, and again, with swift movements, Tsukishima scooped him up in his arms as he headed towards his room. Yamaguchi felt safe in his strong arms, nearly forgetting how slim he was, as he snuggled up his chest and smiled softly.

...

Yamaguchi slipped into a fresh set of pyjamas and walked into the bedroom. Tsukishima, noticing he had stepped out of the shower with water dripping from the ends of his hair, immediately put down his book and rushed over to him with a towel in hand and began to dry his dampened hair.

“Yams! I’ve told you, you have to remember to dry your hair or you’ll get a terrible headache the next morning!” Tsukishima frowned slightly, repeating the statement he had made for at least 500 times in his life. Yamaguchi stuck his tongue out and pouted slightly. Of course he remembered. But there was a reason why he always pretended that he forgot to dry it.

“Sigh. Come here.” Tsukishima gestured to him over to the bed, as he happily skips over and plopped down in his lap. Tsukishima turned on the hair dryer, and gently ran his fingers through his hair while blow drying it. Yamaguchi let the gust of hot air pave their way through his hair while Tsukishima combed his hair with his fingers. He enjoyed having Tsukishima blow dry his hair while he sat in his lap and stared at their reflection in the body mirror in front of them. Despite Tsukishima complaints about blow drying his hair, he had always kept a hair dryer in his room, waiting for Yamaguchi to come in with his hair still wet so he could dry it for him.

_ Click.  _ Tsukishima turned off the hair dryer and set it aside. “Yams, turn around.” Tsukishima tapped on his shoulders lightly. Yamaguchi turned around, with no intentions of getting off his lap. Seeing that, Tsukishima chuckled and shook his head softly, as if in amusement, as he combed his bangs and parted them the way he liked. 

“There. Done—” Tsukishima tilted backwards slightly, as if admiring his parted bangs, unprepared for Yamaguchi’s sudden lean.  _ Chu~  _ Barely grazing his lips, Yamaguchi pulled back before his face burned with a bright shade of blush. Tsukishima smirked, a devilish grin playing on his lips. Yamaguchi froze, and frantically waved his arms around as Tsukishima closed in.

“Wait, Tsukki—!”

Deliberately ignoring him, Tsukishima nuzzled his neck while pulling him into a tight embrace. His hands slid up his back and reached the nape of his neck, gently supporting his head. He dropped velvet-like kisses on his collarbones and snuggled him, placing his head on his chest. Yamaguchi stroked his hair softly. Tsukishima looked up, and with a cheeky grin, he moved in and nibbled on Yamaguchi’s bottom lip, kissing him a bit more aggressively compared to the kiss they shared a few hours ago. It was a hungry, impatient kiss that demanded Yamaguchi’s full attention—and Yamaguchi would gladly give it to him. His gaze wandered out to the starless skies. The moon was exceptionally luminous today—he wondered why. 

_ The moon. _

__ The moon reminded him of Tsukishima—beguiling. They had the same captivating aura; but the moon didn’t have his alluring eyes, shimmering with affection, nor did the moon have an enthralling mein in possession. The moon reminded him of Tsukishima, but Tsukishima reminded him of something else—the heavens. Far more divine than any breathing, living souls; he was a sight for sore eyes. Eyes that belonged to Yamaguchi and him alone. 

...

Yamaguchi hummed a soft, soothing melody, lulling Tsukishima to sleep, as he softly stroked his hair. Tsukishima wrapped him in his arms protectively, muttering something about his love for dinosaurs and Yamaguchi with a vulnerable smile on his face. Yamaguchi smiled softly, as he continued to stroke his hair lovingly.

_ I wish every day was as blissful as today......I wish I can chase away the demons in his head completely.....Gods, please..... _

_ Take his pain away. Please. Have mercy on him. Demons, please....stop feasting on his sanity and his feeble heart. _

_ Let me chase away the demons in his head..........Please. _

\----------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Told ya there's gonna be fluff uwu)


	4. Tears for humanity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (This was a bit shorter than my usual chapters because this is sad. Like really sad.

\----------------------------------------------

"Ngh!" 

Yamaguchi let out a cry of shock as a sharp, cold arrow of pain shot through his foot, causing him to jump in reflex. He looked at the ground. There were bits of porcelain and shattered glass all over the floor, with Tsukki going absolutely berserk, bashing everything in sight into the wall. He was screaming and his face twisted in terrible rage. The television was playing a volleyball game—Tsukki must have woken up by the memories of his trauma. 

As Yamaguchi let out a soft cry of agony, Tsukki slightly froze before turning around to the source of the sound. Seeing the small, crimson puddle forming on the ground, he twitched and howled in pain and held his head in his hands, and when the howling died down, he crouched down, hugging his knees and started to let tears of remorse fall from his face. 

"Tsukki, I'm fine! It's just a small cut—NO!" Yamaguchi gritted his teeth and forced a smile, but the bags he had been holding fell to the ground as he frantically reached out his hand. Tsukki was crying and kneeling on the ground, as if grovelling, and proceeded to smash his forehead into the lake of shattered glass. Yamaguchi reached out his hand just in time to prevent Tsukishima's forehead from colliding with the bits of glass. However, a sharp pain went in from the back of his hand and flowed to his senses, causing him to suck in the night air sharply in response to the pain. He had cut his hand on accident in the process, but Yamaguchi swallowed his cry this time so Tsukishima wouldn't remorse further, nonetheless his actions were in vain. Tsukishima clearly saw the cut on the back of his hand no matter how fast Yamaguchi tried to hide his hand from his sight. 

**Me..... It's all because of me.... Yams.... is..**

**bleeding.**

"Tsukki, stop! Where are you going?!" Yamaguchi desperately cried out as he tugged on Tsukishima's shirt, who was heading towards the balcony. Forgetting the wound on his hand, blood gushed out from the force Yamaguchi used to tug on Tsukishima's shirt and the sight of blood falling on the floor scarred Tsukishima as he watched Yamaguchi's face twist in pain.

"Let go of me.... You're hurt because of me.... I'm going to end my pathetic, worthless life! I can't even protect the one I love....." Tsukishima said through his sobs as he inched towards the balcony. 

"NO! TSUKKI, STOP IT RIGHT NOW! RIGHT THIS INSTANT! I WILL LITERALLY JUMP BEFORE YOU CAN EVEN REACH THE BALCONY DOORS IF YOU REALLY WANT TO END YOUR LIFE!" Although it was in the heat of the moment, Yamaguchi regretted his words instantly as he watched Tsukishima widen his eyes, then dropped to his knees, huddled in fear, shaking while he crouched by the couch and muttered something with tears still falling oh so rapidly. He radiated so much negativity his depressing aura was almost visible to the naked eye. The regret clawed and tugged at Yamaguchi's heart violently. His heart throbbed with pain and he could hear the hammering of his heartbeat in his head. 

"Yams don't love me anymore......He's going to leave me all alone....all alone to die in this cruel, dark, twisted world......." Tsukishima sobbed, choking on his tears from time to time, and screamed uncontrollably, his arms flailing and clawing his surroundings with lagged movements. 

"Tsukki, I didn't mean—"

"It's okay.... I'm a monster..... I'm abnormal..... I don't deserve an angel like you....... You can leave me lying on the cold, marble floor as the life seeps out of me....." Tsukishima started to laugh forcefully, as if pitying himself.

"Tsukki! What are you talking about? What cold marble floor? You don't own anything like that! Stop it, please! I'm not leaving your side, Kei; I'll never leave you!!" Yamaguchi cried out and rushed to his side and pulled him into his arms. It hurts him so much to see Tsukishima like this. The pain wasn't even describable; _it just hurts._

“I won’t leave you.....”

His Depressed EP damaged Yamaguchi the most. He could revert his Antagonistic EP to his ANP, but he couldn’t do anything about his Depressed EP. _Nothing._ He had to watch as Tsukishima went through mental breakdowns, and he couldn’t do anything but hug him to soothe his pain. But he couldn’t remove his pain. He felt so.... _helpless._ He wished he had eight arms, like an octopus so he could hug every part of him; he wanted to _drown_ Tsukishima in love and affection so much he would have suffocated. He wanted to chase his pain away _so badly._ So, _so_ badly! But he couldn’t. He couldn’t!

He wanted to scream out his frustration. He wanted to hide Tsukishima from his trauma that had haunted him for _years_. He wanted to block everything out.  _ He just didn’t want to see Tsukishima in pain.  _ Tsukishima continued to cry as Yamaguchi rubbed his back, his hands frantically moving between his back and his head, stoking his hair at the same time. 

_ Please.....Why won’t you have mercy on him?! _

__ For a split second, the TV seemed distorted to him. He was.... _ angry. Fuming mad.  _ He despised Tsukishima’s brother for lying to him; he despised everything that had hurt him. But he knew his brother only did it so he wouldn’t have let Tsukishima down. He didn’t know that it would do this much damage to him. In the end, the damage was inevitable. 

Yamaguchi looked up to the ceiling as he held Tsukishima close to his chest. “Breathe, breathe, breathe.....it’s okay.......Everything will be fine.....I’ll chase your monsters away......They won’t even get an inch near you......” Yamaguchi whispered, and Tsukishima’s screaming stopped. His tears didn’t though, soaking Yamaguchi’s shirt. Yamaguchi too, let the tears forming in his eyes fall freely. His heart was in bits and pieces, and he didn’t know how to tell Tsukishima that he’ll never leave him. Never. 

_ He was his everything. And still will be, until the world collapse. _

__ Hot tears flowed, unable to stop, as he continued to hold Tsukishima in his arms. He looked at his viridescent eyes. So vulnerable and fragile, his eyes flickered with unbearable pain beneath the glassy lenses. Tsukishima’s eyes were slightly swollen from crying, and his teeth couldn’t stop clattering. Yamaguchi wiped his tears away softly, as if a gentle breeze grazing the tip of a leaf. He leaned in and put his forehead against Tsukishima’s, as his finger grazed his lips. A final tear fell from Tsukishima’s left eye, and Yamaguchi was quick enough to flick it away. 

He kissed Tsukishima softly, not letting him pull away, as if trying to suck out all the sorrow in his heart. He stroked Tsukishima’s hair lovingly, as if trying to pull away the demons eating his mind away. 

_ Go away. Leave him alone. _

__ Yamaguchi cried softly in his heart. He cupped his cheeks in his hands tenderly, as he watched Tsukishima’s eyes regained its usual yellow. Yamaguchi breathed a sigh of relief as he continued to embrace Tsukishima tightly, never wanting to let him go.

The sapphire moonlight shone upon them, as the two lovers huddled together, their pain drowning in the crisp midnight air until it dissolved into nothingness. Tsukishima, by this point, was sure that Yamaguchi was an angel sent from heaven to save his soul. He repaired his heart with whatever glue, stitches or whatsoever—he healed him. Even when his Depressed EP was in control, his ANP held on to his consciousness weakly, and he felt like he was watching someone cry and fall into a pit of sorrow—and that person was him. 

He was sure to be torn to bits, eaten by the demons until nothing became of him. But he wasn't. He was complete.

Because Tadashi held his hand. He chased his monsters away. He was whole—he was complete as long as Yamaguchi was by his side.

He healed him.

\----------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Errrr I'll be updating perhaps a tad bit slower because school just started and I'm also working on another fic while writing this so >.<  
> (But I'll try to update daily if possible uwu  
> (And I'm sorry if this was too sad. I get it. I cried while writing it ;-;


	5. Blinded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (I have nothing to say but I hate myself I cried so much writing this)

\----------------------------------------------

“Tsukki, I’m going to the gym to practice my float serve, okay?” Yamaguchi gave him a soft kiss on the cheek before hurrying away. Tsukishima seemed to be in a daze as he watched Yamaguchi fading away from sight. 

_Don’t push yourself too hard, okay?_

This wasn’t the first time; it had been a few days since Yamaguchi acted like this: giving him a soft peck on the cheek and hurriedly ran away. It’s not like he didn’t trust him—he was simply worried about him. A soft breeze rushed by, the rustling of the leaves put his mind to serenity. The thing he loved about nature was that everything was so soothing and calming, undisturbed. He put his headphones on and hummed along the soft melody as he looked at the trees with a tranquil gaze.

_Maybe I’ll check on him to make sure he’s not pushing himself too hard._

He continued humming as he watched the pigeons fly across the sky, as if taking a stroll. He noticed the butterflies fluttering from flower to flower, and gazed at the grass swaying slightly in the wind. He smiled softly. Wonderful weather, with Mother Nature embracing him, his worries all behind him—

_Thump._

“....So, you think I should bring him to karaoke on a date?” Yamaguchi asked his classmate, Ichika.

_Yams.....is with a girl? What are they saying? I can’t hear—_

“Yeah! I noticed he always had headphones on, so I figured he really likes listening to music, right? Everyone was amazed by your singing voice in music class, you know, I think it would be a great memory if you sang a few love songs to him. I also know a cafe that’s pretty close—”

**_Thump._ **

**** ”YAMS! WHY ARE YOU WITH THAT SL**??!!!! YOU LIED ABOUT PRACTICE???!!”

Yamaguchi turned his head and screamed in fear. Tsuki— _Tsukki_ was extremely angry, it was way scarier than any volcano eruption or any pack of hungry wolves—Yamaguchi’s knees gave away as he dropped to the ground.

“???? Excuse me, ruDE??????” Ichika screamed back at him and stomped away.

“Wait, Ichika! I’m sorry!” Yamaguchi turned and yelled at Ichika’s direction.

**_Why the hell are you apologizing to that girl????_ **

**** “Tsukki, what are you—HNGH!”

**_SHUT UP! LIAR, LIAR, LIAR!_ **

**** “You filthy, freckled boy! HOW DARE YOU?! I TRUSTED YOU!!!!” Tsukki’s eyes glowered in rage as it vibrated a sanguine red. He grabbed Yamaguchi by the neck and held him up easily with one hand. 

“T-Tsu...k-ki...I-I....c-ca...n’t....b-bre..” Yamaguchi tried to not choke on his words. He frantically tapped on Tsukki’s fingers, which are closed around his neck, each tap with less and less force. 

**_Arghh.....my head hurts.....my head is going to split into two! Hah....hah....damnit....my head..._ **

**** Tsukki looked at Yamaguchi. He couldn’t even see Yamaguchi’s face anymore. It was a distorted, hideous scribbled mess. It was the monster that chased him every night in his dreams, and when it caught him, it would shred him apart as he screamed in agony and feasted on what’s left of his sanity. Mother Nature—to hell with that. He heard the screams of terror when a wildfire broke out, the flames devouring him. He watched as his surroundings started to crumble, the trees falling to the ground one by one. The birds flew away, panicked, only to be shot down as a loud gunshot rang through his head. The wailing of a famished child, the cries of agony as the drilling of an electric chainsaw cut the flesh in half—STOP IT! 

_**Ughhhh.....my head.......I'm going to ...die........**_

“T-Ts..u-uk....” Yamaguchi tried calling out for him again. He saw a shade of unruly orange from the corner of his eye—was he imagining things?

“You LIED to me! You—” Tsukki snarled at him in rage, his face twisting in pain. He let out a cry of pain as he threw his head back. His grip on Yamaguchi slightly loosened, and Yamaguchi took the chance to inhale a deep breath.

“You’re going to THROW ME AWAY and leave me ALONE, JUST LIKE everyone did!!!!!!” Yamaguchi watched in terror as Tsukishima’s eyes flashed two different colours—viridescent green and sanguine red. The volume of his voice was escalating and deescalating, as if glitching, yelling and whimpering at the same time. 

_W-What????_

This can’t get any worse—Tsukishima looked like as if he was switching from one EP to another rapidly. 

**_You....lied to me......You.....are a threat......to me.......AND I WILL TEAR YOU APART—_**

**Yams....please don’t leave me..........**

He was blinded with rage and burdened with pain and sorrow. Why—why?! It just had to be Yamaguchi, out of everyone in this flippin world!

_Tsukki, it’s not like that....._

Yamaguchi’s eyes reddened as tears started to fall down. He didn’t blame Tsukishima—he wasn’t in control of his behaviour. This wasn’t his own will, and had Tsukishima woke up to see he ended his lover’s life with his own hand—he would have ended his own life too, out of remorse and regret. Tsukishima looked like he was trying to control himself, but his EPs thought otherwise. 

“You piece of CRAP! YOU’RE JUST LIKE my damn BROTHER, rotten as HELL!”

**_Stop.....I need..to.....stop.............._ **

**_...Yams._ **

**_I’m sorry....I can’t control myself....You’re not Yams anymore....you lied to me....._ **

**** Tears started to fall from Tsukki’s eyes. He shut his eyes, and when he opened his eyes again, his eyes glowed a stable shade of hellish red, his Depressed EP obviously had lost the fight. “I thought you were different....I thought you were different.......” Tsukki gritted his teeth with so much force Yamaguchi feared his teeth would snap.

_Tsukki, please don’t cry._

This was the first time ‘Tsukki’ felt hot liquid coming out from his eyes. Yet he didn’t know what the liquid was, or why it was falling from his eyes. In his perspective, he only knew the emotion ‘rage’. So what was this terrible, clawing feeling eating his heart away? He didn’t know, but he hated it.

**_Make it stop._ **

**** _Tsukki...._

Yamaguchi reached out his hands weakly and softly cupped his cheeks.

_Tsukki......I love y—_

His hands fell limply to his sides as his consciousness faded away.

“NEGATIVITY.....BEGONE!”

Tsukki loosened his grip on Yamaguchi’s neck as he grovelled, holding his stomach, and howled in pain. Sugawara caught Yamaguchi just in time before he hit the ground.

“I don’t think that was the right wording—” Daichi panted, slightly out of breath, the other members behind him with Hinata in the lead. Yamaguchi hadn’t mistaken—the unruly orange he saw was Hinata, who immediately rushed off to gather the Karasuno members to save Yamaguchi.

“Shut up and hold him down!!!!”

“—Ah, right!” Daichi immediately pinned Tsukki to the ground, who was clawing the ground and struggling to escape Daichi’s grip. “Man, he’s really strong despite his slim build—Nishinoya, Tanaka, backup!” He yelled at the two, who were still catching their breaths.

“Damnit, how strong is he?” Nishinoya grunted as Tsukki furiously snarled and moved restlessly, obviously still raging. “Asahi san, help us out!!!”

“N-No way...H-He’s so s-scary......” Asahi stood a good ol’ 5 metres away from Tsukki and hid behind a pillar, as his knees buckled and his teeth clattered.

“Gr....” Daichi grunted as he tried to hold Tsukki still. “Sugawara, how’s Yamaguchi?”

“He’s breathing. He’s still unconscious though, I’ll bring him to the hospital. It’s just a five minute walk away.” Sugawara picked him up easily, surprised at how light he was. _Poor boy.....I’ll give Tsukishima a piece of my mind later! How dare you hurt Yamaguchi!_ Sugawara snarled at Tsukki before rushing off to the hospital with Yamaguchi in his arms. 

“Tsukishima Kei! Stop it immediately! What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” Daichi yelled at him in anger.

“No, you let go of me!” Tsukki screeched at him. But at the same time, he was running out of energy from raging for such a long period of time, and his consciousness was fading away......

_Why am I on the ground? Why is Daichi san, Nishinoya san and Tanaka san pinning me to the ground—ow! My bones feel like they’re going to break!!_

“I said, Tsukishima Kei, what the hell were you doing? Are you trying to kill him?”

_What?!_

Tsukishima’s eyes widened. “W-What?” He whimpered softly.

“I'm talking about Tadashi! Are you playing dumb or—” Daichi was fuming mad. But he suddenly realized something wasn’t right. Tsukishima wasn’t struggling anymore, and—did his eyes change colour?

“Daichi san, his eyes were red just now, weren’t they?”

_Red?_

“Hey, you’re right! His eyes are now yellow!”

_Kill?_

“D-Daichi san, w-what happened?” Tsukishima said with a quavering voice as tears started to fall from his face.

“......” Daichi looked at him in confusion. Should he tell him? Something didn’t seem right though..... He exchanged glances with Tanaka and Nishinoya. They both nodded, as if in agreement to stay quiet first. But he was missing someone else—

_—Sugawara._

“Alright, Tsukishima Kei! You should be glad Yamaguchi’s still breathing; I can’t believe you!” An incandescent Sugawara yelled at his face as he stomped towards them.

“Wait—”

“Were you out of your damn mind? What were you thinking?! You FREAKING CHOKED—”

“SUGA!” Daichi violently tugged on Sugawara’s shirt, who was bellowing in anger. Sugawara looked at him, and Daichi shook his head. When Sugawara turned his gaze back on Tsukishima, he realized he had been crying the entire time Sugawara was yelling at him.

“I....choked him......?”

\----------------------------------------------

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I'm not even joking when I said I cried writing this ini why is this so depressing argh my weak heart  
> (Also if you're confused about the stuff he saw (the wildfire part) that was his hallucination in response to his rage)


	6. For your sake...

\----------------------------------------------

_Tsukki!_

Yamaguchi’s heart raced as he ran along the hospital corridors. He didn’t care if his doctor ‘advised’ him to stay for a bit more for check-ups before discharge. No. Frickity frack all that _crap_. He only had one thing in mind as he rushed home.

_Kei......_

“Yamaguchi! What are you doing here?! You should be in the hospital!!!” Sugawara, obviously shocked at his sudden arrival, raised his voice. He had sent Tsukishima home after he refused to talk to any one of them, and after staying behind for a whole day and still not getting any response, he got fed up and was just about to leave his house.

“Sugawara san, please! Let me in!” Yamaguchi cried out desperately. 

“Tadashi! Stop this nonsense immediately—”

“NO!” Yamaguchi bellowed. Sugawara gaped at him in shock. “FIRST of all, this is my house! I can have access to MY house whenever I want to!” Yamaguchi was shaking so badly he looked like a fragile leaf, ready to snap in two anytime now.

“That’s even more unacceptable! How could you live with someone so dangerous—”

“ _SECOND_ of all, you don’t even KNOW him!!!!” Yamaguchi cried and shoved Sugawara out of the way and slammed the door shut. Sugawara banged on the door, but realized Yamaguchi wasn’t about to let him in. 

“Tadashi!!! Please!! Get out of there!!!”

“Leave me—LEAVE US ALONE!!!!” Yamaguchi screamed back. The world—no one would understand his unlimited love for Tsukishima and the pain Tsukishima had been burdened with for years. Making sure Sugawara’s not trying to find a way to break in, he searched every room, but Tsukishima wasn’t in any of the rooms that wasn't locked. There was only one room left.

_Tsukishima’s room._

“Tsukki....?” Yamaguchi knocked lightly on the door.

...

“Tsukki?” This time, with a little bit more force.

...

“Tsukki!!!!” And this time, he pounded on the door. 

_Tsukki, please. Answer me! Please! A knock, a tap, a bang, whatever sound—_

_Please don’t leave me._

“.............go away.” It was barely a whisper, but it was deafening as it rang in Yamaguchi’s ears.

“Tsukki!!!!! Let me in!!!! Please!!!!” Yamaguchi banged on the door. His fist throbbed, but he was ignorant of the pain. He only wanted to see Tsukishima. “Tsukki, I want to see you....please.........”

“.....but I don’t.”

His heart almost stopped upon hearing that. No, surely he couldn’t have meant it, right? 

Inside the dim room, Tsukishima was huddled in a corner. Away from the sunlight. Away from any kind of light. His untouched tray of food still on the desk. He hasn’t drank a drop of water or eaten anything since ‘Tsukki’ went out of control. He choked Yamaguchi with his own hands—his filthy hands. His hands trembled as he held them out. He was a monster. A monster. A monster that would put Yamaguchi in harm’s way. 

**This is the real me.......**

**A monster.....**

**Please, Yams, please understand: I love you, I really do...**

**That’s why you shouldn’t be with me.**

The grief and remorse swallowed him until there was nothing left of him. He wanted to deny himself—or delete himself from the world, if possible. He heard Yamaguchi’s cries as he pounded on the door—he wanted to hug him so badly. He wanted to reassure him that everything would be fine as long as they had each other—but that wasn’t the case anymore. He would prick him with his thorns. As long as they were together, he would end up injuring him severely one day. It was bound to happen. Today he was lucky. Sugawara and the other Karasuno members stopped him in time. But what if they weren’t there? H-He would have _killed_ him. How was it that even after all that, Yamaguchi wanted to be with him?

“Tsukki! Please...I’m begging you, _please_ let me in!” Yamaguchi never stopped bashing his fist into the door. His knuckles were bleeding, but _all he wanted was to see him_. Was that too much to ask for? Yamaguchi bit his lip as he continued banging the door but the pounding got weaker and weaker as the physical pain shot up his body, making his limbs tremble in pain.

_Open the door._

**Yams......I’m so sorry.**

“It’s okay. You don’t have to put up with me. I won’t commit suicide or anything. You don’t need to be worried.”

“Tsukki?! What are you talking about??? Let me in, please!!” Yamaguchi’s heart sank. His rhythmic pounding became a series of frantic knocking. 

_No. No. This had to be some sort of joke, right?_

“I’m a monster......a terrible one.........You don’t deserve to go through all this pain because of me...”

“What are you talking about?? I’m fine, aren’t I?"

"No! You’re not fine! This was just one time, one time luck favoured you. I could have _killed_ you, Yams, why don’t you understand that?!” Tsukishima yelled in frustration. 

**Go away. Leave. Don’t look back. Forget about me, please.....**

_I just wanted you to be happy, Yams._

“Tsukki, what are you talking about? It’s okay, I’ll never leave your side! I’ll be with you 24/7, then nothing bad will happen right? I’ll do that! I’ll gladly do that!”

“....No.”

“Tsukki! Please, don’t do this to me!” Yamaguchi yelled in pain. Tears fell and shattered into screams and cries of agony and frustration, seeping in the room, and clawed at Tsukishima’s heart. But he had to do this. He had to—because he loves him. He loves him so much, he'd do anything for him. Anything but harm him.

“......you’re free now.”

“Tsukki?!” Yamaguchi panicked. The air suddenly became suffocating, and the world spun around him, distorted and twisted in every ugly way.

_No. No. No. Please. Anything but that. Don’t say it. Please—_

“....Yams, let’s break up.”

\----------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (This was shorter than my other chapters because I can't put them in more pain than they were already in ini


	7. Drunk on you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Depressed, he left unwillingly.  
> But he soon realized....  
> it was impossible to just leave someone you love so darn much

\----------------------------------------------

 **** _Slam._

**** Yamaguchi slammed himself on the wall weakly. His heartbeat was hammering so loud he could hear it in his head, as he trudged back to the hospital.

**** _“Good! You should have done that a few hours ago!” Sugawara yelled at him through the phone, his tone mixed with anger and worry. He was angry—angry that Yamaguchi left the hospital on his own without even taking his own health into consideration; worry—worried that Yamaguchi would do something to hurt himself, because he was so desperate to see Tsukishima—suddenly backing down must mean something went wrong._

Yamaguchi looked at his surroundings. Everything— _everything_ lacked colour. Everything was dull and grey, and he could hardly feel the life around him. Breathing seems to be a chore—something he’d force himself to do. The flowers were wilting, and the branches were twisted and crooked in a revolting way. His tears demanded to fall, yet they were stubbornly held back. The irony.

Yamaguchi let out a chuckle. This was a first for him—the terrible, empty feeling clawing and eating his consciousness away. The irony of his emotions and actions—he felt like bursting in tears, just kneeling by the pavement and crying his eyes out, yet the tears _just weren’t going to fall_. He shouldn’t be laughing—he shouldn’t be smiling, or having his lips curl up to resemble anything like a smile, yet he’s chuckling, as if pitying himself and the emptiness in his heart. 

The walk to the hospital felt like forever, and it was as if his feet were tied to heavy lead, but he just continued walking. And he was so lost in thought he didn’t even realize he was already back at the dreadful hospital corridors, with his doctor yelling at him about running away. 

_Whatever. It’s not like anything mattered anymore._

Tsukishima opened his eyes. What time was it? He didn’t know. Did Yamaguchi already leave? Probably. It would be best if he did. He was an angel—something pure and shouldn’t be contaminated or hurt in any way. 

_It’s okay Yams. You’ll forget about me and move on with your life....It’ll be hard for the first few days, but you’ll forget about me eventually...._

**I wish Yams was with me...I miss him terribly........**

**_BLOODY HELL WHERE IS THAT DAMN FRECKLED BOY?!_ **

**** Tsukishima jolted up. He looked around his room. He could hear—he could hear the voices in his head. He rushed over to the mirror. His ANP was in control now—he was sure of it. Right? His left eye vibrated a venomous red while his right eye whimpered a viridescent green. But he could hear two other voices other than his inner voice. That means his ANP _is_ in control.

**_WHERE IS THAT LIAR?! I WILL TEAR HIM APART UNTIL THERE’S NOTHING LEFT OF HIM!_ **

**** **No........don’t hurt Yams........**

Tsukishima looked in the mirror again, this time he screamed in fear. He saw a distorted image in the mirror, raging and crying as his face writhed in pain and agony. As if he was glitching, his emotions on his face changed rapidly. One second unbearable rage flashed across his face, the next second an overwhelming sorrow masked him. He supported himself with his hands on the wall shakily. He realized he’s never seen himself in such a state. 

_How can Yams love a monster???!! I’m hideous! He’s been dealing with this demon for years??? How????_

**_You’re not a monster, the world is just wrong....EVERYTHING IS WRONG, AND EVERYTHING SHOULD GO UP IN FLAMES_ **

**** **That’s going a bit too far.....ending your own pain would be enough....escape....escape.......**

Tsukishima howled in pain. His head felt like it was going to split into two. 

“Go away! Leave me alone!” Tsukishima yelled. There was no one in the room except for him; surely anyone who saw this would think he was going insane. And the truth was—he was going insane. He didn’t know what was real or what was a hallucination anymore. Everything looked surreal—as if made of plastic. He didn’t feel alive—yet his heart was beating, loud and clear. He laughed. A laugh that hid his screams of pain and agony. The air was choking him, and the oxygen suffocated him. He was abnormal— _abnormal._ Breathing, yet barely alive. 

_This is stupid....._

Tsukishima banged his head against the wall. This time, Yamaguchi wasn’t there to stop him or tell him off, as he slumped to the ground weakly.

Ivory ceiling, bleached walls......sickening. 

White was supposed to symbolize purity, softness and serenity. It’s supposed to put your minds at ease. 

Then why?

All Yamaguchi felt was sorrow. Grief. Pain. Anything but serenity. There was nothing calm about his throbbing headache and the persisting pain in his heart. Breathing was painful. The air felt so cold it could pierce his lungs. 

_Everything was painful._

_Numb._

_This is even worse than death._

There was this indescribable feeling in his stomach—he wanted to throw up, but he had nothing to. Everything was ironic. Everything was just....wrong. Death. That suddenly didn’t seem like a bad idea. It would be better than to feel the pain...

_Right....?_

Death. It was an easy task. It was so hard to struggle to live, yet death was such an easy task. 

......

Every day we wake up feeling tired and sluggish and wish we could just go back to bed without having our responsibilities yelling at us, screaming in your ear to wake you up. You drag yourself out of bed unwillingly, brush your teeth and sit down. There’s a bland looking plate of food called ‘breakfast’ in front of you, and despite not getting an appetite first thing in the morning, a nagging voice urges you to finish it. So you do. You shove it down your throat, trying not to throw it up. 

After that’s done, you head towards a place called ‘school’, where bullying and favouring exists. You sit in a closed room without open windows for hours, trying not to fall asleep, trying to concentrate on whatever the ‘teacher’ was talking about. “Don’t feel stressed.” they say, “We won’t force pressure on you.” they say. At the end of the day, academic results were what really mattered. Nobody will give a damn if you’ve worked hard, or tried your best. “I’m disappointed.” A single statement, shattering all the efforts you’ve put into whatever assignment you’ve handed in. There. You could’ve spent hours on that, but all it took was two words to deny you completely. Nothing mattered. It was as unfair as that.

After school, you have a ridiculous amount of tutorials to attend. You write and write until your finger breaks, and you stuff everything inside your brain, trying to keep them imprinted in your memory. The words seemed like wriggly worms to you. Hideous. Sickening. Terrifying. And when you get home, you’re greeted with, “What have you learnt today? Did you finish your homework? Have you paid attention in class today? Don’t let the tuition go to waste, okay?” It was funny, because it seemed like those were all words of concern, yet there were no words of concern to pull you out of your darkest times, when everyone simply watched as you fell into the pits of despair.

“So tell me, how are you feeling today?” your therapist asks you. You force a smile, and say that everything’s fine, but when it’s really not. But surely you can’t trouble anyone else. Your therapist smiles warmly at you—it should make you feel at ease. But it felt disgusting. It was their job. It was just their job. Alone, no one there for you, and you’re the only person you can trust and talk to. At night you slip into bed, only to be awake at 3am, staring at the ceiling, and all the denial you’ve received rings in your ear. You cover your ears, but the voices don’t go away. You cry silently, but unable to control the screaming of agony. “Shut up! Don’t be so weak!” your parents yelled. Yet, they would take their frustration out on you and use you to vent. But then who would be there for you? No one. No one but yourself. You clamp your hand over your mouth, muffling the cries.

And the next morning, you go through all of that crap again.

And why? To go out to society and work, hoping to get a better pay to afford to live a decent life. 

Yamaguchi didn’t really see the point of doing all that just to go through another cycle of fatigue and pressure from work. _He really couldn’t see the point of that. It was so, so miserable._

But then there was that group of human beings called ‘friends’. You didn’t have any at first. Everybody isolated you. But there was this one person. Pulled you out of the darkness. When everybody watched you fall, a hand reached out. You grab onto it, the grip tightens on your hand and pulls you up, and eventually, you’re surrounded by a bunch of people. These people made you smile, and gave you support when you needed it. They comforted you when you were sad, and they cheered you up. They took you out to different places for entertainment, and you felt so much happiness. Some backstabbed you, but there was always someone by your side. People you can trust and open up to. Suddenly, living didn’t seem so bad. 

_Yams, look! This plushie looks exactly like you!_

_Tsukki, that’s a dinosaur plushie...._

_Exactly! It’s green, and there are some freckles over here. Teehee, it’s like my favourite things merging together!_

_..._

_Yams, please don’t be mad at me..._

_Hmph!_

_I didn’t mean to break the vase...._

_I’m not mad at that, I’m mad that you picked up glass with your bare hands! You could have cut yourself!_

_I won’t do it again, it just slipped my mind. I promise._

_..._

Tears fell from Yamaguchi’s face. Sure, life was suffocating. But in the pile of despair, there was something he treasured so much—something that gave his life colours.

_Kei._

Yamaguchi’s feet started to move on their own. They headed towards the door. They brought him to the stairs.

_I need to see him. I need to talk to him!_

As Yamaguchi ran down the stairs, nearly tripping in the process, his mind was only filled with Tsukishima.

Sure, he was a pain sometimes, and really troublesome at times. His mood swings were unpredictable, and his EPs didn’t exactly had the best personalities. But—

_Faster, faster, faster. To the person I love so much. The one I hold dear to my heart—_

He sprinted out the hospital gates once again.

_—Kei._

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (this was longer than I thought I got a tad emotional writing this ini


	8. Forever yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate to get to Tsukishima, Yamaguchi is soon faced with a near-death situation, and Tsukishima's reaction might just prove how much he loves him, erasing all his doubts and hesitation as they made a promise for eternity...  
> (HERE COMES THE HAPPY ENDING UWU)

\----------------------------------------------

His ahoge wavered as a gust of wind rushed by. He gulped, his legs shaking. He carefully adjusted his footing, his hand never leaving the window frame. Slowly, he inched towards Tsukishima’s room, using the windowsill as footing. 

_ Rustle rustle... _

__ Tsukishima’s head jolted up. What was that sound? A wavering shadow came to sight, a silhouette on the curtains. He rushed towards the window and drew the curtains with great force. A muddy green ahoge came to sight.

“Y-Yams?!!!!”

Yamaguchi stopped in his tracks to look at Tsukishima and gave him a sheepish grin.

“WHat the HELL??? Yams, this is the fifth floor! Do you want to die?!” Tsukishima yelled in disbelief. This idiot! What does he think he’s doing, just trying to get into his room by climbing  _ around  _ the house to get there? One wrong step and he could have fell and.....

**_PERFECT CHANCE! PUSH HIM! LET HIM DIE!_ **

**** **NO! Why.........You love him!!! You would be depressed!! But trading your life for his wouldn’t be a bad idea.....**

_ For Karma’s sake, SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU! _

__ Tsukishima screams in agony as he holds his head, trying to chase away the voices. Why would the ‘other’ him have such terrible thoughts? Nothing made sense anymore. Nothing. Or maybe it’s just him. Just him that didn’t make sense.

_ Stop...stop.....why— _

__ “Tsukki!”

A soft cry, a voice kissed by the angels, blessed by the Heavens.....was all it took to drive all the monsters away.

“I’D RATHER DIE THAN LIVE A LIFE WITHOUT YOU!”

_ Fwoosh. _

__ It was...kind of like the snap when you step on a twig. Or a lightbulb going off in your head. His vision cleared up—his mind was clear. Complete serenity. The tranquility he hasn't felt in such a long time. He stared right into Yamaguchi’s determined eyes—eyes without the slightest hesitation and only determination. 

“It’s okay, Tsukki, I’m here—”

Everything was in slow motion. He watched as Yamaguchi’s grip loosened as the merciless gust of wind yanked him off. Yamaguchi’s eyes slightly widened, the affection in his eyes never wavered, not the slightest bit.

“YAMS!”

Yamaguchi had his eyes shut, preparing for the worst. But his body never collided with the ground. The grip on his arm tightened, and he was soon pulled into a dimly lit room, away from the scorching sun. Even when he opened his eyes again, he still couldn’t see anything. But he drowned in an extremely familiar cologne, and heard the racing heartbeats that belonged to his beloved, the ones that would lull him to sleep as they snuggled close. His face was buried in Tsukishima’s chest, while Tsukishima hugged him tightly with tears streaming down his face.

“Well, that was close—” Yamaguchi said in a muffled voice, trying to get Tsukishima to stop crying. However, it seemed to have the opposite effect.

“CLOSE?! WHAT THE HELL YAMS I WAS SO SCARED!” Tsukishima screamed and cried harder. The irony. Yamaguchi was the one who almost had a collision with the ground, yet it was Tsukishima who was in a sea of tears. Yamaguchi blinked a few times, and stifled a giggle. 

“I-It’s not funny! I almost had a heart attack!” Tsukishima loosened his grip, and Yamaguchi sat upright.

“It’s okay, because...you would never let go of my hand, right?”

A soft breeze greeted Tsukishima as Yamaguchi closed in on him. His reflection in his pine green eyes, his freckles so clear in sight it would have been possible to count how many were there, and his bangs somewhat covered the sides of his face. A shadow fell on his face, and his eyes shone hues of forest moss. A soft graze, at first, then with his arms wrapped around him and one hand on the nape of his neck, Yamaguchi pushed in and tilted his head. 

With every changing angle, their kiss deepened. Yamaguchi pulled him in closer, and placed Tsukishima’s hands on his waist. One hand still on the nape of his neck, the other hand wiped away the tears sliding down Tsukishima’s cheek. 

_ Tsukki, please know....that I love you very much.  _

__ As if hoping that message would somehow get in Tsukishima’s mind, whether it was telepathy or heart to heart connections, or—whatever worked, he ran his fingers through his flaxen hair. As if afraid that Yamaguchi was an illusion, a hallucination that his mind created, Tsukishima’s grip on his waist tightened, his nails frantically digging into his shirt. 

_ Yams....Never let go. Please. _

__ The surroundings melted away, along with all the chaos and negativity in the world. No ruckus, no shouting, just the warmth of their lover. Yamaguchi slowly pulled away, leaving them both in shallow breaths.

_ More. _

__ Tsukishima pulled him in, tilting his chin. Yamaguchi can see his reflection in those aureate eyes of his, with specks of brown flickering in the light. Tsukishima’s hands were shaking as he cupped his cheeks, as if afraid to break him, and gazed into his eyes with tenderness. Yamaguchi placed his hands over his shaky hands, which soon calmed down. With their fingers intertwined, Tsukishima leaned in and kissed him softly. A kiss that summoned the raging tides in his heart, yet was oddly soothing. Tsukishima brushed away his army green bangs with delicate fingertips, and traced along his freckles, sending yet again a deep blush across his cheeks. 

His green ahoge wavered slightly along with his flaxen end curls in the afternoon breeze. The indescribable pleasure flowed through his veins, and sent another electric shock up his spine as Tsukishima softly nuzzled his neck. He glanced at Tsukishima, who had his ear against his chest, and his eyes softened. Who in the world can make him feel like this other than Tsukishima? No one. They were away from the world that didn’t understand them; a barrier, a wall between the utter chaos and the serenity. They were in their own little world, a world where time would freeze and their love for each other would last for eternity. Outside their world, riots could break out, injustice drowning the people in fear, but that was all outside  _ their _ world. Nothing could bother them. Had the demons pestering them returned, he would just chase them away again. Tsukishima didn’t need the demons around to ‘protect’ him—he had Yamaguchi. 

“I’ll never let you go. Never. I’ll love you until my last heartbeat.” His deep green eyes spoke the truth. His love for him never wavered—never.

“Yams...... I love you, and I will love you until February 31st comes upon us, until it snowed in July and until the clock chimed and signalled the 25th hour of the day. I love you, Yams. I love you so, so, so much.....”

MPD or not, Tsukishima was still Tsukishima. He will always be the one he loves and holds dear to his heart. He loved him for who he was, flaws included. This was the man he fell in love with, and not even the Gods nor the Heavens can change that.

_ I love you, Kei. _

\----------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for staying with me until the very end!! It was depressing at times to write this (I cried don't judge ini) but I definitely had fun writing this (esp the happy parts uwu) Also I've done a lot of research on this (it was actually way more....well, dark? But my weak heart couldn't take it qwq I can't put Tsukishima through any more pain) and I apologize if I've gotten any information wrong whether it was because it was necessary for my plot or because I just didn't do enough research (grovels)  
> BUT ANYWAYS THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!!!! (No, like, seriously, you guys are the best UwU)


	9. Forever yours to heal (art)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (I know I finished the fic on Sep 4.... but here's a little something I drew for the fic uwu)  
> (Also uhh if you're using laptop or website version you might have to swipe a bit to see the whole picture but if you're using the app it'll come out just fine owo)


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